Web of life

Today is a holiday. I am at my lab desk, completing an order from my other job and a speech for my boss. I have a second job because the salary from my primary job has been delayed since January. I am writing the speech for my boss because he gave me a "thank you" payment for helping out, and this payment shall be my lifeline for the next few more days. It will be my lifeline because the pay from my second job is not enough.

I have tried to avoid cause and effect implications in my previous statements, because I am trying to think healthy; I am not this powerless over The Circumstance. But fuck healthy, and fuck The Circumstance. I have been eating shit because of other people, taking shit for other people, and cleaning other people's shit for as long as I can remember. I am aware that I am acting like the hypothetical first stone thrower in a Mary Magdalene scenario, that when I point a finger at other people three more fingers point back at me. I am also aware that should I abandon the "I have no choice" mindset, I could actually begin to refuse.

Ah, refusing. A choice. It is a very foreign concept to me.

Fuck the holiday, and fuck my country for celebrating valor.

I look to my right, at the cobweb of a window screen and behind it, the grayness of the late morning sky. I look at the dichotomy of life in trees, the gentle dance of the whispering winds, the serenity of it all. I would have taken a photograph, but I don't think it is a moment. It is steady, unyielding. And a photograph would have ruined its own permanence.

You see, many adults make non-adults feel as if non-adult problems are insignificant. I see the appeal now.